Ave Maria, I Pray

By Jarrett Bellini

In the future town of Ave Maria, Florida you’ll be able to have your pizza any gosh darn way you like it… just so long as it isn’t stuffed crust topped with porno and birth control.

Get the door. It’s Domino’s!

Thomas S. Monaghan, founder of the popular pizza delivery chain and late night savior to bored, dormitory coeds everywhere, is bankrolling the development of a new 5,000 acre community just east of Naples. A civil libertarian’s nightmare, the new town is being built around Ave Maria University – the first Catholic university in this country in about 40 years – and promises to be governed by strict, Roman Catholic principles that only appear to violate a handful of this country’s most sacred laws.

In a 2005 speech delivered in Boston, the former Pizza king explained that stores in Ave Maria would not be allowed to sell dirty magazines, pharmacies will not carry condoms or birth control pills, and cable television will be void of X-rated channels. Really, Mr. Monaghan, why don’t you just kick everyone’s dog while you’re at it. Maybe you could also put a curfew on laughter.

Ho hum… at least you can still have an abortion. Oh, wait. According to Monaghan’s plan you won’t be able to do that either. He says it’s God’s Will, but I think it has something more to do with the fact that, in America, if you can shell out $250 million for a public project, you can pretty much accomplish any personal or political goal – maybe even cancel Wednesdays if you want.

“Attention citizens. Wednesdays have been canceled. Please check your local listings for American Idol’s new night. That is all. As you were.”

Despite the fact that Ave Maria looks to be about as fun as being locked in a small white room with a glass of ice water and an ipod loaded with Kenny G, aesthetically, it sounds like a great place to live. Appealing to Euro-snobs like me, there are plans for an actual town center, an idea that has been completely lost in this country’s obsession with urban sprawl. And never mind the fact that my religious values come from Our Lady of the Sports Bar, I genuinely dig any central square dominated by a grand cathedral – Ave Maria’s promises the nation’s largest crucifix. Nice!

Charming and old world as it all sounds, the ban of Ye Olde Abortion Clinic doesn’t sit very well with people who still believe that our constitution means something. Quite simply, many argue that you just can’t pop up some organized township in America and then thumb your nose at laws protecting a woman’s right to choose and a man’s freedom from resorting to industrial strength bubble-wrap over Trojan Ultra-Thins.

But there are loopholes that may allow Team Monaghan to achieve their dream. The 11,000 homes he envisions will be owned, outright, by the buyers. However, The Almighty will control commercial property. Of course, I’m referring to Monaghan and the other primary investors who, in their quest for ideological domination, might create lease provisions restricting what can be sold by potential merchants. It’s all very complicated, but the bottom line is that finding top quality smut in Ave Maria will be about as likely as finding Pope Benedict XVI riding shotgun next to Nick Nolte at four in the morning.

Personally, I think it’s all a moot point. Whether Ave Maria wins or loses its forthcoming legal battles is not of any real concern. I mean, what heathen in his or her right mind is going to just show up in this blissful little town and open up an adult shop? By virtue of any written or unwritten laws, Ave Maria will simply attract like-minded people who will live like-minded lives in a like-minded community. And that’s great. Seriously. I’m happy if they’re happy. Of course, if anybody needs me, I’ll be up in my room watching Skinimax and eating pizza.

“Hello, Domino’s? I’d like to order a large stuffed crust with double porno, double birth control… and, please, hold the self-righteousness.”

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